My mom was overwhelmed by her inbox of 197 messages. So her and I spent the past few hours sorting through her email. Some were important and some were junk, but among them were a few gems. This was a forward from one of my cousins. Some of you may have seen it before, but I have to share because it rings so true. Mom and I had a good laugh and we hope you enjoy:
My Big Fat Persian Family:
Today, I realized that every time my mom has a mehmoony, she has kamar dard for the proceeding two weeks, blames the family for never helping her, and proceeds to say its the last mehmoony”. 3 months later, same story.
Before going out, I have to give my dad my friend’s numbers and the address of where I’m going. I’m 20.
Today, I was listening to my fav song, and my dad said: ” een ahangaayeh tokhmi chiyeh goosh meedee?”
In my house we have special sandals for going to the backyard.
I asked my parents if I can get a dog and they said we already have 4 (referring to my siblings and I).
Whenever I have friends over on the weekend, my parents constantly come in my room and ask in Farsi, “when are they leaving?”
Every Christmas when my family goes to Vegas we take our own Samovar, cooler full of lavash, sabzi, eggs, kotlet, kookoo, etc. and my mom and aunts make a full on meal with chicken and rice and khoresht using portable stoves. We don’t eat one meal out. .
Today, I went to a mehmooni and it basically consisted of: men arguing about politics and women talking about their hair…then came time to eat. After the food, the men sit down and wait for their chayee while the women are fighting in the kitchen over who gets to wash the dishes.
When I was younger, our neighbors had just sold their house and the new family was moving in. I was watching them unload and my dad walked out, looked at them, and says “Ayyy voyyy Indian hastan”. Then angrily walked back inside.
Last night my cousin and I were hanging out in my room, and my mom came in the room saying “bodo ghazah hazereh.” We said okay we’ll be there in 5 mins. Exactly 10 seconds later they called out, ” Honey, Reneh kojoied?” We responded back ” OKAY give us 2 mins!! 5 seconds later… “HONEYYYYY, RENEHHH kojoied degeh, gazah sardshod!!”
Today my mum left me 3 voicemail messages. The first one; “salam ghorboone oon shekl o ghad o baalaat beram. fadat besham. zang zadam bebinam halet chetore, golam. hala bahat harf mizanam”. A few hours later; “salam azizam. kojai? yeh zangi bezan delvapas shodam”. And the last message; “aslan maloom hast to kojaee?! takhseere mane khare, gozashtam beri kharej dars bekhooni! Pedarsag.”
Today, I was sitting and talking to my mom on the couch over some chai and CNN was on in the background. As soon as the word ” Iran” was mentioned my mom cut me off mid sentence and shouted, “Oh! Shh!! zeeyadesh kon!” .
Whenever I turn on too many lights in the house my mom comes and asks, “Aroosie nanate?”
Today, My Mom was chatting on Facebook, when she told me to come help her spell Olympic, when I got to her I saw that she had spelt it “Olampik”.
When I was little my mothers excuse for not letting me go to sleepovers was because I was too young and now that I’m 18 her excuse is “Naahhh kudum kherseh gondeh mireh esleepover, 18 saleteh boro yek dars bekhun yechizi beshi”.
Today, I was downstairs while my mom was upstairs. I called for her “MOMON!” and her response… “MARAZ!” without missing a beat.
Today, I asked my dad why Persians always rhyme words like “sexy mexy.” He replied “because ow-ver language is poetery, very beeuteefel.”
My sister was sick and was coughing really hard and throwing up, so I was just sitting on the couch on my computer looking at pictures because there wasn’t anything I could do. So my mom comes to me and says, “instead of sitting here and staring at this ’koofti’ come do something”, so I say, “mom, what do you want me to do?” and she says, ”khob yekkam ghosse bokhor yekkam gerye kon”.
I love being Persian when your madar sits with you and watches TV and every time the actors on the TV kiss each other, your mother always goes “in filmayeh mozaghraf chera mibini?”.
I got accepted to a University 1 hour away from home and when I told my dad he said ”eee cheghad khub, man toro mibaram bad 2bareh shab toro miram khuneh”
Today, whenever someone calls my house from Iran, my parents say “Salam azizam, etefaghan hameen emrooz mikhastam behet zang bezanam” even though they clearly were not thinking of doing any such thing.
Whenever my parents see someone who looks persian on television, they pronounce the last name to somehow try and make it sound like the person’s from Iran.
Every time I want to make Pasta my mom yells at me that out refrigerator is filled with polo and khoresht and that in khoraka chagh (fatting) mikoneh o ashkhaleh.
Today it is my 20th birthday and the only thing I request is “lotfan cake rollette nagir” and sure enough my grandma goes out and buys the biggest rollette she could find.
Today one of my sefeed friends came over. She went to the bathroom and asked why there was a watering can next to the toilet. I awkwardly explained to her that Persians use them to clean there selves. Her response? “Um, that’s just a little weird…” Yeah. That’s just how we Persians roll.
Today I got accepted to Harvard. My mom told my grandmother the news and she replied, “I’m sorry, but it’s okay he can still go to community college and transfer to UCLA.”
Every time my mom has a mehmooni, the guests tell her “khasteh naboshi, khaylee zamat kesheedeeh”. And she says “nahh kohreey nakardam”. Once all the guests leave, she begins to complain about how tired she is and how she’s been working the past month for this one night.